Toxic Shame - An Unspeakably Painful Emotion

Toxic shame is an emotion. It is the fear that you will be seen for what (you think) you really are.

There are two kinds of feelings of shame. There is healthy shame that is a reflection of your moral code and helps you get back on track when you make a mistake, and there is unhealthy (toxic) shame that burrows itself into your psyche and cripples you by convincing you that you have no value as a person.

Rarely do people talk about this crippling emotion. They are too ashamed to talk about their feelings of shame.

Even though compulsive overeating is often the result of shame, people don't talk about it. Instead they try to deal with shame by going on diets, or by changing eating behaviors. It is nearly impossible to be successful at developing positive body image, self acceptance, or weight maintenance without bringing shame out into the open.

Compulsive overeaters often carry two kinds of feelings of shame - internal and external. Internal shame that they are worthless and external shame about their appearance.

The pain of toxic shame defies definition and so it is rarely spoken about. When was the last time you sat around the dining table discussing shame?

Feelings of Shame Foster Isolation

Shame is a call to silence, inaction and hiding. It isolates you and separates you from others. It robs you of your ability to trust yourself.

Toxic shame makes you feel that you are not good enough and that there is a part of you that is flawed and should not be seen by others.

Shame is the inner voice you hear that beats you up and perpetually bombards you with negative thoughts about yourself and convinces you that you have no value.

The voice of shame tells you that your opinion doesn't count.

Reminder

Writing helps us to externalize feelings of shame.

Toxic shame fosters excruciating loneliness. As you become more and more isolated you lose the opportunity for human feedback.

You are under the influence of the inner voice and you isolate yourself even more.

Healing Shame By Bringing It Out Into The Open

To heal your shame you must come out of hiding. As long as shame remains hidden it maintains its power and it is impossible to fight. Dealing with shame means that you must bring the shame out into the open.

John Bradshaw refers to this as externalizing our internalized shame. It is a way of healing shame. It can be very painful but it is necessary. Avoiding pain helped to create the pain originally and the more we avoid the pain the worse the shame becomes.

To bring shame out into the open, you must reach out and share yourself - the real you.

It is important that you use discretion and share only with someone you trust. This is crucial. Choose a non-shaming outlet for your sharing, either a person or a group.

Identify people to whom you can reach out and talk openly about your struggle. Often the person you turn to about one issue may not be the one you choose when you are ready to reveal other issues.

Consider who reaches out to you with empathy and support and ask yourself if you reach out to others, or do you insulate yourself.

The purpose of reaching out is not to "fix" or "cure" others. You reach out to build a network of people that you can connect with. Not reaching out fuels our shame and increases isolation.

Shame tries to prevent you from becoming emotionally close with others. By sharing your thoughts, your feelings and even your dreams with someone that you trust you begin the process of rebuilding your self image.

Overcoming Shame By Speaking Shame

Brene Brown in her book I Thought It Was Just Me suggests that we need to learn to speak shame. Speaking shame requires that we put names and terms to some of the painful abstract concepts that we confront, such as describing our responses when we are in shame. Writing also helps us to externalize feelings of shame.

Overcoming shame means speaking our pain to enable us to express how we feel and ask for what we need to help us build resilience to shame.

Externalizing The Inner Voice is also necessary to combat shame.

The Inner Voice keeps our shame spiral in motion and fosters and intensifies feelings of toxic shame.

By reaching out to others, you discover that the real you is lovable. When you experience love and acceptance from someone else you begin to love and accept yourself, and you begin to change your beliefs about yourself.

Return to the top of Toxic Shame

Adapted from Fear and Other Uninvited Guests by Harriet Lerner, Ph.D.
Healing The Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.